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Lena

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[15 Sep 2009|02:15am]
Apparently The Teeny Bopper Association of America, the MTV Division, are in an uproar about Kanye Gate 2009. ...I personally found it hilarious. Again, I know I find everything from spit bubbles to pigeons hilarious. Doesn't take much to amuse me, no, but...come on. It was funny. It was funnier because it wasn't meant to be funny. Kanye West is known for being the Jesus Christ of douchebags, why is everyone so surprised? His shenanigans are hilarious for two reasons: 1.) He's an egotistical idiot and it's always like watching the Hindenburg explode or the last two hours of Titanic...minus the tragedy & casualties, plus laughter. & 2.) Everyone's immediate reaction is PRICELESS. (See Mike Myers. See Beyonce.) What Taylor Swift should have done was dropped kicked his ass over the edge of the stage and/or while he was distracted by being a lunatic, start tagging his head with her moon man. Just sayin.

I didn't watch the rest, though. Making out with my boyfriend's neck was more entertaining...though I did pause to watch Jay Z. Okay, that's a lie, I turned back to watch Jay Z perform, but that was it, for real, for real.

And...I'm fresh out of shit to talk about, damn. I wanted to take another poll about...something, but I can't remember what. Maybe it was about doing a scavenger hunt...but I could be mistaken. In any case, does anyone want to do a scavenger hunt? One around the office though, not around the city, as that would...be too complicated at the moment.
18 comments|post comment

[30 Aug 2009|03:10am]
Ugh, it's way late and I'm watching Ocean's Thirteen on TV. This is why I watch movies, especially action movies: For about 2 hours I get to seriously entertain the idea of being in a different career field. Not that I don't LOVE event planning and PR, don't get me wrong. I do. I love the shit out of it, trust me, but I like to imagine. The other week I really wanted to be a professional Black Jack player...but I'm not so great at math. Then an International Spy, but...I've only been out of the country twice, and the one time was to Cuba to see my Grandmother, which I had to apply for a specific license and all this paperwork, which made me nervous and sweat a lot, which...made me look like I was smuggling drugs and cigars in about out of the place. Clearly, I'm not cut out for International badassery. Then I think I wanted to be a vampire after catching up on True Blood episodes. ...that's just silly, for so many reasons. Like...I really enjoy playing in the park on a sunny day, and I couldn't make the switch to gold jewelry, either.

Anyway, the whole point of this was to inquire:
If you weren't in your current position, what career, field, or job would you be doing or want to be doing?
I'm curious.

P.S. GREAT PARTY. Thanks guys, for showing up and having a good time!
8 comments|post comment

[09 Aug 2009|01:49pm]
Private )

What is it about their kids moving out that makes parents so comfortable with nudity? Mi madre y padre are really conservative people, as I've said before, and as far as I knew...they didn't even do things naked...ever. Yes, I'm saying that I was conceived while they were fully clothed, and I'm not open to thinking differently about that. My parents can have sex all they want...as long as they keep their clothes on. Sadly, since all of their children have left the house, they've become amateur nudists, apparently. I go home randomly to grocery shop and steal coupons and I'm usually greeted by my mother, totally topless, walking around in her big huge panties and knee-highs. "The coupons are on the fridge, hija." Like...her boobs aren't just waving hello the whole time. She couldn't put on a tube top or something? Some pasties? Tassels? Something? Anything?

Growing up we almost never saw them totally naked. We've all seen each other in various states of undress, but it's always just a little more disturbing the older you get. Walking in on two grown ass men, one naked, one fully clothed, and both with their fronts turned to you....may sound like a good time to a girl, but not when both men share your genes. I literally just walked back out the front door, jogged to the train station and went back to Manhattan without a word. I then proceeded to burn the image out of my mind and eyelids with 4 hours of Keanu Reeves exercising his pimp hand in The Matrix. ...when that wasn't enough, I turned to King Leonidas...twice. Done the trick. Thank God.
24 comments|post comment

Locked to Mike Shuffield [25 Jul 2009|04:01am]
We need to talk. Don't panic, I'm not pregnant or anything, but can we talk? Can we hang and talk tomorrow? Are you busy?
5 comments|post comment

[21 Jul 2009|03:17am]
Private )

So, guys, best. party. ever. Thank you so much to everyone who came, for the gifts, EVERYTHING. You guys are super excellent, and don't you ever let anyone tell you different. My brothers were highly disappointed that they never had a birthday surprise party so epic. I don't really care, because yeah...in their big ugly faces. I'm so mature.

Also, we have a company party coming up, because Julian is the Man and feels a summer party is in order. I'll have deets later, but there will be a boat (a yacht if you're fancy) and all of us...on this boat, with booze, and life vests should anyone need them. Again, there will be no strippers. Male, female, or in between. It ain't happening, so don't ask.

ETA: I'm also raising an army of these. Mike got me one to breed, and...we're slowly going to take over the world. That is all.
32 comments|post comment

[01 Jul 2009|01:39am]
Just to let you bitches know: It's officially my birthday. I only stayed up to post about it after midnight, by the way. So, If you didn't have time to get me a Lexus, or a new Kenmore washer & dryer, then I'll take hugs, kisses, and/or candy. I prefer all three, in that order, but I won't be picky.
29 comments|post comment

An Open Letter To The Cap'n [19 Jun 2009|12:11am]
Dear Cap'n Crunch,

I love you and your scrumptious breakfast cereal, but I'm seeing some flaws in it's design. Cereal should not stab people in the mouth. It's rude. It also ruins my breakfast (or late-night snack) experience . The taste of blood? Doesn't marry well with the taste of riboflavin. My palate gets offended and I can't drink lemonade for a week. So, please consider making your jagged ass, little, cereal pillows safer, and less likely to shank my gums.

Someday, I'd like to share this treat, your creations, with my children, but I will not feed them crispy razorblades for breakfast. That would be a little negligent on my part, don't you think? Do you feed your kids shards of glass masquerading as food? I didn't think so, sir. You seem like a much smarter man than that.


A Devoted & Slightly Annoyed Customer,

Elena M. Barros


P.S. Crunch Berries? Brilliance. I love it when they turn my milk colors. Thank you for making my cereal beautiful.

Locked to Rosalyn )
10 comments|post comment

[27 May 2009|09:03am]
Ay Dios mio... My stupid FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING shoe broke on the way to work this morning. Like...seriously the heel has been evicted from the rest of my damn shoe without warning and...it was so devastating that I almost threw it at an innocent passerby...almost. And no, Matthew McConaughey wasn't around to save me from being murdered by a dumpster either.

What do you do when that happens? Besides feel ashamed at either your weight or lack of shoe stability? Now every morning commuter in Midtown knows that I have faulty shoes. I nearly tripped over my own shame coming into the building. I remember back in middle school when this girl everyone hated, Nicole Hilterman, had the heel of her Mary Jane's break off in the middle of the cafeteria. I laughed at her really hard, and I think this is karma. What the hell? Isn't there a statute of limitations on that sort of shit?

WHATEVER. Rosalyn, I have a meeting up town in an hour and I need to borrow your shoes, please. I promise not to break them too and I'll be able to stop by my place for replacement footwear. I guess I could bring you a brownie too.

I hope everyone else is having a less embarrassing Hump Day.
14 comments|post comment

[24 May 2009|11:27pm]
I'm super bummed that I missed the retreat this year. I had a blast last year, reenacting various moments from Camp Nowhere like I'd always wanted. But, oh well! I plan on making Mike, Rosalyn, and Brad recount every moment in detail for me. I might also have them make S'mores with me over my gas stove top and sing campfire songs just to make me feel better.

Hello new people, I'm Lena Barros, your Event Planner...again. I left this position a month or two ago to help a friend out, but I'm back now, because working for a friend is never a good idea, I've found out. I also came back because I missed Julian, who is still the most amazing boss and most talented karaoke star I've ever met. I'll be kissing his ass for a while because he gave me my job back, I hope you don't mind.

Would anyone like to fill me in on what I've missed? Oh, and you can still IM and distract me from working at fun by lena, by the way.
21 comments|post comment

[12 Mar 2009|11:17am]
Thank you, Julian, for the thank you note. It was really precious. I've been watching my back though, just in case Theo really does get homicidal. I mean, I felt someone bump into me on the train and had to pat myself down for shank marks, just to be safe. I won't say I'm paranoid or anything. I haven't strapped any telephone books to my gut, Sing Sing style, but I'm on guard.

Work has been...work. Life has been life-like. Nothing to report, really. I'm feeling the need to do something stupid and adventurous lately. Like when we bungee jumped at the retreat? So awesome. The idea of not knowing if it would snap like a raggedy out rubber band and cause me to plummet to my death was so invigorating. I also want to go swimming really badly, for some reason. I wish I was rich, or knew someone rich, who also had a pool or access to a pool. My days of swimming in public pools are long over. It was so much fun as a teenager, with all my stupid friends and our bathing suits that we thought we looked so hot in (We didn't, by the way), but now? As a grown ass woman? Not so much. I don't feel like accidentally ingesting kid pee anymore.

So, in summation, we should totally have another retreat, right?
22 comments|post comment

Locked to Mike [27 Feb 2009|09:44am]
Locked to Mike )
5 comments|post comment

[22 Feb 2009|10:40am]
Buenos días, amigos!1 Thanks to everyone for the kind words about the party, and many many thanks to you guys for coming out and making it awesome. I definitely had a blast, suicide margaritas aside 2.

Also, I want to apologize for the crazy Cupid. I am SO sorry if he harassed anyone. He should be glad that he made it out of there before I broke my foot off in his ass. It will not happen again, I assure you lovely people, and once more, I apologize for any discomfort or nausea he might have caused.

I hope everyone is having a good Sunday morning. I only got out of bed to go grocery shopping in my parents' kitchen while they were at mass. I'm such an awesome daughter, I know, but now I'm going to crawl back in bed with my contraband and watch The Soup - while waiting for Papi to call and ask me why I
had
to take the last Snack Pack...and only the chocolate, not the butterscotch3. He is not generous about pudding, at all4.

Keep it real, Spent.




FOOTNOTES
1 Translation: "Good morning, friends!"
2 Thanks for that, Boss.
3 Because chocolate pudding > butterscotch, Papi. Duh. Does anyone under the age of 50 even eat butterscotch...anything?
4 It's just pudding, Dad. Seriously. Share. Also, these footnotes are only here to be obnoxious and make this post look educational. I'm really really bored, obviously.
32 comments|post comment

Valentine's Day Party crap! Please read! [02 Feb 2009|02:43am]
So, were having a Valentine's party, yes. I know some believe that Valentine's is a commercial holiday with no real meaning and that's true. It is, but that doesn't mean we can't exploit that and party like it's 1999. If we didn't, then I'd be out of a job, and no one wants me walking around broke...in Keds and second hand underwear. Trust me. I miss Ehren, yall. Make him come back. I wonder if I can get him to still come to the party. Seeing him bust his ass while break dancing is usually the highlight of the evening. Sigh.

The party will be on Friday, February 13th. (Spooky right? I know.) The festivities will start at 9pm, so I suggest you partake in dinner before, obviously. We'll have a beautiful dessert bar with various, delicious treats and coffees, but the crowning glory is the two chocolate fountains (white and milk). Yes, please try not to OD on it. I'm looking at you, Mike.

The party will be held
at Stone Rose Lounge
, which has a nice dancing space, plenty of comfy seating, and an open bar until midnight. Also, they're letting us use their Make-Your-Own-Margarita bar! Of course, there will be an actual bartender present, should you need help, but come on. What's the fun in that?
The lounge is located at 10 Columbus Circle, and has a banging view of Central Park and the city from the 4th floor of the Time Warner Center
. Contact me if you need directions.

Lastly, we'll be holding a very special drawing during the party. Now, this can happen one of two ways, and how it'll happen will depend on you wonderful people. There will be 6 "date packages" up for grabs, meaning various packages for 2 participants, redeemable anytime between the 14th and March 30th. Ideally, I would like some volunteers to pair themselves with said packages to make them more appealing and FUN for everyone involved. There is no ticket price, so anyone who wants their name in the drawing is welcome to submit it that night. It's just a treat for you guys, because you're all so wonderful and because Emilie is no longer here to plague our souls and remind us of how desperate and ugly we are. Okay?

So, I need 3 boys and 3 girls to take one for the team.
Keep in mind that these are not romantic obligations and are just for fun. The dates aren't awkward romantic type situations, I assure you, and are good opportunities to do something fun and get to know a random co-worker. If I don't get any takers, we'll just raffle off the dates as they are, and whoever wins them can choose their own partner, etc. etc.

Time for a recap!

When: Friday, February 13th,
2008 ...wtf?
2009 @ 9pm
Where: Stone Rose Lounge, 10 Columbus Circle, 4th floor of the Time Warner Center.
What: PARTAY. Drinks, dancing, Date Raffle, Dessert Bar, Make-Your-Own-Margarita, and Cupid might make an appearance.
Dress Code: NICE-ISH. I won't say casual, but wear what you want, as long as it's not riddled with holes and mustard stains. I like cliché, so I'm going to encourage you to wear red, white or pink.

Sound good? Yes, no, maybe? I'd like to know your thoughts on this, of course, since it's for you. So, questions, concerns, complaints can all be laid down here, please.


With candy hearts and artificial love,

Lena
20 comments|post comment

[16 Jan 2009|07:21am]
I'm only updating to say that I want the following people to update ASAP for no other reason than to make me happy:

Brad (Just do it. Take it like a man, okay? Alright, that was mean. I'm sorry. I'll bring you flan if you update with something, JUST SOMETHING, Brad.)

Dave (AHAHA I haven't been called any generic racial slurs in a while.)

KLARA (WHERE ARE YOU? You're like the Jewish Carmen Sandiego. I hope you're not wearing anything under that sexy trench coat.)

Ehren (I don't care that you just updated last week. I really don't want to have to break your arms, so, chop chop. I'm kidding! You need your arms, but you do sit at a desk to work...)

James (I find that you bring the most uncomfortable topics. Write something dirty, if at all possible.)

Ellie (Just be fabulous.)

That hot Scottish guy in Copy Editing? Yes, you, Marten. (I...have nothing to say here. Just be pretty and I'll be happy.)

George (Again, I don't really care how long ago you updated, I just want to harass you, and this is easier than actually getting up to find you, THEN harass you, in person. I'll probably still harass you in person, for good measure.)

And I was going to put Julian *here*, but he already posted. That's probably because he read my mind.


Okay, so I don't really need you all to update. I'm not that demanding, I just needed something to write about. I'm boring lately so, forgive me for calling you out. I'll give you flan if you do update though, because I'm just that nice, and flan is abundant in my home.

Have a great Friday! I'm so obnoxious. I know, I know.
26 comments|post comment

Private to Mike [05 Jan 2009|11:38am]
Can you make Natalie shut up, Mike? She's ruining my cuteness buzz. Like anyone cares that she tried to like the office. GTFO already, damn. DSJDLASJ ANYWAY.

I have a flower...in a cup. It's so rad. You see, it has a dual purpose. When the flower dies, I can still use the cup! Some cute awesome guy sent it to me, I think. Are you jealous?

P.S. YES to lunch, but you have to let me pay.
2 comments|post comment

[29 Dec 2008|09:02am]
Private )

Being back at work is a drag, guys. I was really wishing to lay around and play games all day, or drive my my nephew's remote control car into peoples ankles "accidentally", in the park, but you know, duty calls. I'm not at liberty to talk about next year's events in detail, yet to keep my ass intact, but I hope you'll all be pleasantly surprised and enjoy them.

I also hope everyone enjoyed the Holiday party! I had a fucking blast, personally, and I wasn't even that drunk, honestly. So, big, big, HUGE, ginormous "Thank you" to everyone who helped and everyone who came and contributed to the good time. Also, the Food Bank for New York sent us a cards for all the goods you guys donated, thanking you for helping fight hunger in New York. I'm going to put them on the receptions desks, so you'll all have a chance to look at them whenever you like. Feel good about yourselves, because, you know, that little thing...two cans of food...made sure that someone wasn't going hungry this Christmas. As always, they take donations 24/7 and every little bit helps, so this is their website. There, they have drop locations and places you can donate, information, etc.

I was going to talk about something else, but I forgot... OH. My brother is an idiot, as you already know, if you read my updates at all. Yeah, he's the genius who wanted to give our mother a gravestone for Mother's Day, and also set off 82lbs of high volume explosives for the 4th, right? For Christmas...he gave me a dancing, animatronic, Hillary Clinton doll...who sings her very own rendition of "My Country Tis Of Thee". The lyrics are so whack, omg. If I hadn't thrown the doll into the Hudson on the ferry ride home, I'd put them here for you all to laugh at. I cannot stand him and I can't believe I spent more than 20 bucks on his gift, because I am petty, yes. With family? It's allowed.

Happy Monday, amigos.
16 comments|post comment

An Announcement from the Fun Police. [11 Dec 2008|08:36am]
Attention people of Spent! There will be
NO
male OR female strippers at any Christmas party thrown by your's truly. Unless that Christmas party was being organized for the staff of an actual strip club, it ain't happening!

I repeat: Not happening.

Yep, pooping all over your party. You can thank me later, when you're having a really classy time, doing really classy things that don't involve one dollar bills and butt sweat.

SORRY BRITNEY. You're still beautiful, okay? I know Alex already posted about this, but I felt the need to be more of a bummer this morning and thunder stealing.

If it makes you feel any better, we can just go to a strip club this weekend. Open invitation on the table. There. Everyone is invited.

Locked to Gemma, Rosalyn, and Mer )
11 comments|post comment

Important Holiday Crap. Please read! [07 Dec 2008|04:35pm]
¡Hola! For those of you who don't watch Dora or her cousin Diego, that means "Hello!" in Spanish. It's that time of year again. The season for giving and sharing...and and sharing and giving. You see, when we give and share...and share and give, the satisfaction of giving and receiving, sharing and being shared, creates a warmth and happiness inside of our hearts, that cannot be reproduced with any other season, I believe. Except Valentines day, which is not commercially driven at all, thank you very much. When I give my sweetheart 3lbs of chocolate and man-kini drawls with hearts on them, it's because I love him, not because I want him to put a ring on it, or because Hershey and Hallmark bullied me into it, okay?

I digress...

I'm currently planning the company Christmas Holiday party and I'd like to get some feed back from you guys, since it's
your
party, of course. The shindig will be on Dec. 19th, since that's the Friday before the offices close for the holiday. I've inquired about previous years and noticed that you guys have had it at The Central Park Boathouse Restaurant a couple of times, which is a wonderful venue, so I'll be keeping with the tradition and hosting it there. I love the place, it's beautiful, it was open, and it can accommodate all of us. I'll have more details about the menu, time, parking, prices later, but at the moment, I just wanted to get your opinions on a couple of things.

First, the dress code. Do you want it to be formal, semi-formal, etc? I'd like to take casual out of the running, because it's an occasion and I know everyone has at least one dress shirt and decent pair of pants/skirt/dress, but let me know how you feel about that.

Next, is there anything else you'd like for the party, things you're interested in having, or your general thoughts/wants for it overall. Karaoke, games, dancing, orgies, Santa Claus and elves, photo stand/booth OR disposable cameras for the tables? Chime in and let me know. I'm joking about the orgies, obviously. Do that on your own time. I want your input, but I can't promise that all ideas will be executed, of course. I will try my very best to get you what you want though, while staying within our budget and distinct moral code. Ahahaha.

LAST. I know it's already tl;dr, shh. I'll also need some volunteers to help pick out decorations and set up on the day of, please. I'll call you the Super Special Holiday Planning Committee, and you might even get a treat for helping out. If you're interested you can e-mail me or stop by my office!

Thank you and have a great Sunday!


Locked to Chris )
43 comments|post comment

[23 Nov 2008|05:26pm]
Private )

Oliver, you're ugly. Just face it, okay? I mean, I can call you ugly and it's entirely valid because I am beautiful...inside and out, and so is my spouse. Same goes for you Ellie. Now, don't go getting up in arms over me being a superficial cunt (Yes, I just called myself a cunt. I'm allowed to self deprecate, aren't I?), because these are just the facts you have to face, guys. I'm the authority on these things and if you insult me because of my opinions of you, well, that's just hypocritical. You assholes. - The Inflated Ego of Lena

And sorry guys, I don't have any slutty icons, really. I mean, one of my favorite pastimes is taking racy photos of myself and cropping them for my journal, but I just haven't had the time lately. The holidays are pretty busy for me, as you can imagine. Having a suffocating family doesn't help either. But if anyone would like to help me take some non-appropriate photos next weekend, I have some time! I really hate being left out of these sorts of things, so let's remedy this ASAP. I'll even provide the Vaseline myself, and maybe some snacks.

I'm joking, obviously. I can take those by myself. Besides, I have a really full weekend of familial guilt trips, video games, and washing my hair waiting for me of me, but you're still welcome to invite yourself over for snacks.

Also, Julian, I promise to take you out at your earliest convenience. I realize that you were probably joking, but now that I think about it, we really need to nurture this potentially awesome friendship with Tequila and hot dogs...or something. We'll play it by ear, sweetpea.

Oh, and Mike, you were awesome last night. I meant to throw my panties on stage, but it was really fucking cold outside, okay? Next show? Needs more mariachi, just saying.

Have a lovely Sunday evening, ladies, ugly menacing trolls, and gentlemen.
38 comments|post comment

Very Informative Post [28 Oct 2008|11:13pm]
I apologize for addressing this so late and for any inconvenience it might cause, but there will
not
be a company sponsored Halloween party this year. But, we do have a pretty large event coming up that you'll all be informed of soon actually. There's also the Christmas party to look forward to, because it is my personal goal to make it more epic than this mythical Adam Fell could have with all his "connections".

If it's any consolation, I'll have a very large amount of candy in my office all week. Feel free to stop by for your high fructose corn syrup fix at any time. And yes, the chocolate and candies are peanut free.

Also? Worry not, I've changed my costume. I'm going as Alice, circa Resident Evil: Extinction - the film version. Which shouldn't be offensive to anyone but zombies.
9 comments|post comment

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